Note: I’m sorry, but there are no pictures in this post. It is also very very long, though broken down into sections for easier reading. Unlike most of the fare on the pandablog, this deals with a subject that is rather important and of great personal concern to me. If you choose to read, thank…
So last Friday I found myself stuck in a meeting all day from 8 to 5. Now this would be bad enough, but combine it with the fact that it is the rainy season – and hence hot, sticky and miserable – and that a typhoon happened to make landfall that day, and you pretty…
[In My Head]:: “Somehow, Scotland Yard, I’m not holding out much hope you’re gonna find my bike next week, let alone in 4 or 5 years given that your investigative technique to date seems to consist of drawing a map in crayon on a crumpled piece of paper and measuring the distance to random buildings. Not exactly C.S.I. up in this motherfucker, is it?”
[Out Loud]::”…ummm, if you find my bike in 6 years, you can just keep it as I’ll probably have bought a new one by then.”
“No, no, someone must take responsibility for the bike, even if just to pay for the disposal fee. More importantly, what about when we arrest the criminal? A case like this will remain active in Japan for seven years. If we arrest the criminal and send them to court, someone needs to press charges. If you’re gone, who will do this?”
“…umm, that’s okay, I don’t want to press charges. I just want my bike back.”
And while it’s not the most inappropriate comment I’ve ever been subjected to in Japan (that dubious honor going to the intrepid junior high school boy who caught me off guard once with “hey panda-sensei, how big is your cock?” in perfect English (my snarky-yet-simultaneously-pathetic (insofar as I’m comparing penis size with a 12 year old) reply: “bigger than yours will ever be”, greeted with tremendous “oohs” and what I can only assume is the Japanese middle school equivalent of “snap!!!” and “awwww shit!” from his boys – penis measuring humor is universal it appears)) – nonetheless it seems to me that one doesn’t make a comment like “look at how huge you are” without having some sort of specific desired response in mind.
And wouldn’t you know it? As soon as I remembered this one simple tidbit from my childhood, everything suddenly fell into place. I had the answer.
What would a ninja do indeed?
He would get revenge.
I wish for a second that pandas could actually breath fire, or at the very least, spit acid like an Alien.
“What does he want me to do, DG?” I ask, voice emerging in ragged constricted packets.
“Well, he said he wants you to bring him an apology gift. Specifically he said he wants you to give him a cake or something. So I think perhaps you should go to his house and bring him a cake.”
I absolutely lose it.
So it’s been continuing to snow on and on for the past two weeks and things are starting to get dramatic. And by “dramatic” I mean “I keep crashing into shit left and right”. It’s always been a point of pride on my part that I have always been the best driver in my family…
Things have been quiet here for a while on the pandablog, and it’s not just because of the mangled right paw. Besides fending off the ever encroaching student hoardes (it’s that time of year where the new students start flooding the halls of the schools in terrifying numbers), I’ve actually been up to something that…