Dance Floor Stereotypes

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It’s 3am: time to scan the room for that ‘right’ person. So who’s out there? TheSite presents your guide to dance floor stereotypes.
DJ wannabes – dressed like a DJ, with the attitude of a DJ… but not a DJ. Usually found hovering near the sides of the stage, nodding knowingly to another great piece of beat-mixing, or boring people senseless with made-up stories of obscure German-only release white-labels he picked up in Frankfurt last week. So why aren’t you DJing again? Oh yes, you can’t.
Starfuckers – there to pull a DJ, and a superstar DJ at that, Starfuckers come dressed in their skimpiest clubwear dancing on the nearest podium to the box, hoping they can distract them for that vital second. Experienced Starfuckers do their homework and secure backstage or VIP passes beforehand.
Cowgirls – Outfits of choice: sparkling skimpy bikinis, excessive flesh, cowboy hats with sequined rims, mini skirts or hipsters. The look: too many cocktails and a wild-eyed expression. Likely to lunge for your ankles in a last ditch attempt to pull before the house lights come on.
Body painted fools – Convinced blue paint will transform their pigeon chests into Beckham-like torsos, these misguided souls spend hours mastering their big fish little fish and waving their glowsticks. AKA (Gate)crasher kids – usually between 17-25, spiky coloured hair, fluro clothes.
Fairies – White dress, wings, glitter, big grin and a belief that they can fly – are they insane or just on some craaazy drugs? Who knows and frankly who cares?
Stag/ hen parties – Wearing matching T-shirts (saying something along the lines of the ‘Skegness Slappers’) these lairy louts who’ve never before left the country get sunburnt and sizzled and throw up over your wedge heels.
Kevin and Perry’s – Spotty teenage boys overdoing the DJ look and desperately trying to get their sweaty little hands on some titty totty.
Dadhousers – Back in the day they had ponytails, wore acid T-shirts and drove for hours round the M25 looking for ‘the field’. Now they occasionally get in a babysitter and head for a ‘proper’ house club, wear Evisu jeans, directional trainers and a t-shirt with a record label logo, take more pills than they can handle and sweat profusely all over the dance floor. Bless em!”
Beer boys – Ben Sherman shirt-wearing idiots who go to trance/hardhouse clubs and sit in the corner all night perving at women and acting the twat.
Candy Ravers – Over 25, donning raver beads and plenty of PLUR (hippyesque – Peace.Love.Unity.Respect).
Bling blingers – Garage fans walking around with their gold jewellery pretending to be gangstas in “da hood”.
Disco goers – Don’t understand real clubbing and just go to get pissed and pull rather than for the DJs or the experience (usually terrible dancers as well).
Antipodeans – Found sitting in the corner with nothing on their feet with their eyes closed pretending to be back at home in the bush. Approach these people with caution as they can get agitated if this ritual is disturbed.
Jedi ravers – Bunch of nutters in a clubbing group going to at least 2/3 clubs every weekend and usually getting in cheaply or free – bastards!
5:34 pm

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