My roommate…

Just got back from the bars. To finish off the night, had a couple of (shots?) of sake from a bottle Yu Jia had brought over a few months ago. While the bouncer at one bar in particular always recognizes me and waves me in, without fail, he always cards Steph. It’s bizarre, since we always go in together, and he obviously knows us since we’ve been going there practically every week for the past few months. I wonder if I should take this to mean that I’m just a memorable fellow? *head swells* Or perhaps is he just wants Steph’s address. hmmm… *ego deflates*
As I was waiting for Steph to get ready to go, I started idly playing around with her roommate’s cosmetic stuff. Having discovered some sort of gooey “body glitter” gel stuff (you know, the stuff sorority type-girls put on their skin to make it all sparkly), I sort of unwittingly smeared some on my cheek. Well, it turns out that as I did, I got some stuck on my hair – and given that it was a white gooey substance, it bore an uncomfortable resemblance to a particular scene out of “Something about Mary”. Fortunately I looked in the mirror before I headed out, otherwise I am sure it would have been a very interesting evening.
[Me getting my game on]: “So, uhh, you wanna dance?”
[Random girl]: “Uh, you seem to have spooged all over yourself.”
[Me, confused]: “uhm, so that’s a ‘no’ then?”
[Random girl]: “Loser” (runs off and tells all her friends there’s some guy in the bar who seems to have ejaculated all over himself).
*sigh* the sad part is, that’s pretty much the extent of my game, as well. (^_^)v
Given that I was the only guy out tonight, I was roped into drinking a couple of “strawberry cheesecake” shots. It goes without saying that these are the most girly of girl shots known to man. Nevertheless, (and despite the fact that they had whipped cream on top of them…!!!!) I have to admit they were quite god. Steph commented at this point that between the body glitter and the strawberry cheesecake shots, I was slowly turning into a girl. *shudders*
This is actually a horrible picture: I’m grinning like an idiot (had a bit to drink at this point, i did) and Steph looks mightily pissed off. For those of you wondering what the hell is up with the handshake, someone asked us to pose as if we were presidential canidates. Anyway, I just wanted to put up a picture of the infamous “strawberry cheesecake shot”. So now you know what it looks like. With a mound of whipped cream on top.
I came home to find my crazy pot smoking roommate standing outside our house, with two of his crazy acid-dropping compatriots, in absolute darkness, hand stuffed in their pockets as they stared silently up at the girls’ house next door to us. Wondering what the hell was going on, I slowly crept up from the other side of our house and sort of eavesdropped for a second:
“Dude! I betcha she likes jolly ranchers! Chicks totally dig transparent candy man – you should throw some up there!”
“Dude, I totally would, but I don’t have any!”
“What the hell did you do with them dude? Fuck!”
“I don’t know man – I must have dropped them in the car. But I’ve got this *rummages in pockets* pack of cigarettes man!”
“Shit dude, those are my cigarettes!”
“Are not!”
“Are too”
“Are not!”
“Fuck you man! You fuckin’ cig-thief! Fuck! Shit, you’re gonna freak her out! Just throw them up there! Maybe she smokes!”
At this point, what I presume to be a pack of cigarettes sort of flies up from the dark figures standing below and strikes Chris’s (the girl who lives next door) window. Given my roommate’s track history with women, I decide this is a good time to intervene before he starts throwing other things up there and police get called and so forth. Not that I would mind the latter, but he hasn’t paid his rent yet for this month (not to mention February, either…) so that should probably get dealt with first. After that… well, who knows? :)
“Hey ‘J’! What’cha guys doing?” I try my best to appear casual, to no avail. The trio whip around as if they were jewel theives caught red handed.
“Uhhh… nothing man”. I notice at this point that Ryan, possibly the world’s most fucked up kid is with them. He is (as always) obviously tripping at the moment. ‘J’ backs away from the house slowly. The third guy sort of stares off into space.
“Just chilling man’. Whatcha’ up to?” As “J” speaks, I notice in the background that Ryan has started to eat what appears to be a shoelace.
“Um, nothing ‘J’, just got back from the bars. Hey Ryan, this might sound weird, but are you eating a shoelace?”
Ryan pauses for a moment as all eyes turn to rest on him. He takes the shoelace out form his mouth and stares at it.
“Uhhh.. yeah, I guess so. You guys want some?” He slowly extends the half-chewed string towards me.
“Um, no thank you, I’ll pass. Are you sure that’s really healthy for you? I mean, you don’ t really know where that shoelace has been, seeing as how you’ve just picked it up off our driveway.” The mysterious third friend nods in apparent agreement.
“So”, I continue “why don’t you guys come inside now? I think the neighbors are probably sleeping, and we don’t want to wake them, do we?”
“J” shifts about uncomfortably. Out of the corner of my eye I see a dark face peek out between the blinds up in Chris’s room on the second floor. “J” opens his mouth to go speak, but before he has a chance all of a sudden Ryan bursts out:
“FUCK MAN! ! THIS IS SOME TASTY SHIT! FUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKK…..”
and the last “fuck” gets stretched out into that long slow gutteral groaning croak that only really-really fucked up people can do, trailing off into shifty silence in which you can hear the last rattles of phlegm work their way out from the depths of his lungs. I notice little white bits of frothy spittle dripping from his lips and clinging to the mangled shoelace hanging from his mouth.
“J” starts to move towards our house. I take this as a sign that no cops are going to get called tonight and go into the house to sleep. I am exhausted. As I walk up the stairs towards my room, I can hear somebody fall down on our front porch.
I am counting the days until I can move out of this house….
[edit] I promise I’ll post something about my crazy ass roommate tommorrow! … promise!!!
5:39 am

One Reaction