Panda and the Eau de Gooch

….ladies and gentlemen, without further ado… I present to you:

…The Crayon Post.

stinky mcstink blog

I try to be a good boy.

stinky mcstink blog

For example, I don’t kick baby kittens down staircases…. (that you can prove)

stinky mcstink blog

And no matter how much I fantasize about inventing a fully automated mass stabbing machine and unleashing it on my co-workers, I have never hurt so much as a fly in my life.

stinky mcstink blog

(Well, unless you count that one time I knocked my brother unconscious with a stuffed dolphin…)

stinky mcstink blog

So overall, in the grand scheme of things, I feel I’m a fairly decent human being.

stinky mcstink blog

So with all this good karma built up over the past 27 years, I thought I was due for a bit of a reward. Maybe a real live baby panda would fall from the sky? Or perhaps Ono Mayumi would knock on my door and confess her undying love for me?

But alas, the universe appears to have misunderstood the karma system because what happened instead is a few weeks ago I go to work to encounter…

stinky mcstink blog

…that I have been seated by the worlds smelliest, most noxious ham stinkiest…! human being in the world…!

stinky mcstink blog

I am not joking. The stink is a terrible, frightful thing. It makes me – literally…! – run to the bathroom retching at least twice an hour.

(is it bad when the air in the bathroom is fresher than by your desk?)

stinky mcstink blog

This person – and I’ve had a lot of time to think about this and what metaphors to use here – is surrounded by an odoriferous vapour cloud of doom so horrible, so vomit gag inducing, it’s like the stank of a sweaty salt ham stuck inside a pile of old wet moldy hard cover books….!

stinky mcstink blog

I mean… it gets you…. gets you right in the back of the throat – it’s like… as if… I dunno – like…. a thousand stanky gooches simultaneously rubbed themselves all up and down your tonsils…!

stinky mcstink blog

And it wouldn’t be so bad if this person wasn’t so…. humid..! But alas, it’s like a zone of tropical stank ass moisture permanently surrounds them – their own, sweaty, stanky, salty climate humidity zone of despair and hellacious darkness.

stinky mcstink blog

The worst is when they lean over to talk to me – each puff of air gusting clouds of damp humid stank gas at my face as I struggle to keep my eyes from squinting shut to prevent bits of moist stink spittle from striking and searing my very corneas, hold my breath to prevent any bit of contaminated gas cloud from entering my tender lungs…

stinky mcstink blog

Each motion of their hands sends cascading waves of humid, salty, nasal death crashing upon my arms, neck, chin, cheeks, nose, edge of my eyes. The very shores of my innocence and pure panda-esque happiness are viciously assaulted by the terrible crash of this putrid tide.

Oh god….! What haft I done to deserve this!?? What folly haft I committed to have incurred your wrath so!?? And with the hot sticky Japanese summer coming up, how much worse will this get!?

Gentle readers, I fear that I might seriously have to either kill this person or myself before this year is done. Help me. Please.

Help….

Help……..

help…………..

Now listening to: Akon – Don’t Matter

16 Reactions

  1. Lorelei

    Oh, poor Panda, I wish I could help! I always thought the Japanese were so peculiar about personal hygiene.
    Maybe you should present him with a nice cologne, or a deodorant? Tell him about how unbelievably great your shower this morning was? Oh my, that last one sounds kind of gay, so maybe not.
    I think you fully deserve Ono Mayumi arriving at your doorstep holding a baby panda and declaring her undying love for you, Panda, I really do!

  2. 6th Floor Blogger

    yuck. I hate going to work as it is, If I had to deal with things like smelly neighbors, i don’t know if i could take it.

  3. momo

    oh noes! i would have been symphathetic, but alas your crayon drawings have rendered me laughing and unable to do so. kenny g, heh.
    you would think someone would have already said something about this? after all, it seems like your co-workers have no issue in being blunt about their opinions of you to your face…
    maybe you should make an anonymous gift of body spray or deoderant. or better yet, some industrial strength body wash.

  4. moritheil

    It looks like you’re using markers in your crayon post!
    The third panel is awesome; the fifth panel owns. There really isn’t a better word for it.

  5. MatchaMonkey

    This one time I taught at a school where the assistant principal smelled of rotting sweaty flesh, and when he talked to me, he would never look at me because I was foreign (and therefore didn’t understand what he was saying). I really, really hated him. None of the other teachers commented on his smell, yet I was criticized for smelling sweet. C’est la vie quoi.

  6. Anonymous

    Is that me you’re talking about? I didn’t kick a kitten off the stairs. It was a pregnant cat. And I didn’t kick it, I pushed it 2 steps down with my foot. Which is why I’m not using my real name for this post.. Anyway, did I tell you about my friend who ran over an armadillo? Erm..
    One of the questions that came up in the Miss Singapore competition 2 weeks ago was “How do you tell someone he has B.O.?” And here, with all her supposed grace, she says “Firstly, I would tell him how I have body odour, and how I got rid of it”. After which the hosts took a step back away from her.
    Haha.. yeah definitely don’t tell him about your bath time fun. :P
    How about buying an air freshener spray? Like Febreeze?

  7. Shay

    WOW, this…this is simply genius! hot damn. you look good in stick form btw. I could get used to this, haha

  8. lizb

    ahahhaha crayons!! my favorite was the shores of innocence..hahah you crack me up michael panda! :3

  9. Tania

    Well drawn pictures! Think of yourself lucky with only 1 such person at work. My work place (Engineering) is full of these men and it’s especially horrible in summer. I usually just try to pretend I need to be somewhere else right away and walk away fast.

  10. Gidget Bananas

    Holy carp! I had to go click on that damn gooch link!
    You have my sympathy. And if the office gig doesn’t work out, you could pursue a career in anime.

  11. Veronica

    I am amazed by this post. you’re so creative and talented.
    You really have to tell this schmuck he stinks. And you have to tell his boss.
    You can always come live here. I can’t pay you, but at least I smell good.

  12. Kz-boy

    Your time and effort are well appreciated. The stabbing machine is beautiful. Funny stuff.

  13. Ashes

    Oh you poor, poor, POOR soul! That’s horrible! Stinky people are just no fun! Well, maybe if they are standing across an airport terminal… I sincerely hope that the stink has left by now, and if not, then by golly-gumdrops spray that person with some windex!! Then maybe they will take a shower (for the first time in oh, I don’t know, 15 years?!?) and then maybe, just maybe, they will remember how nice it feels to be clean, and will continue their life with a new zest for freshness!!