The Crack and Panda quits the USDA

what can i say, another day down, only SIX more to go…!!! wow, graduation is so close i can almost taste it. of course there is the nasty matter of “finals” but hey, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Today, I happened to sit down at McDonalds to snag a shake to slurp (because my jaw felt as it had gone 12 rounds with mohammad ali, thanks to my overly-eager dental hygenist) when i was confronted by this:
That, my friends, is possibly the world’s deepest, darkest, and hairiest ass crack. But this was no mere mortal ass crack gentle readers – no, this was an ass crack which extended so far into the lumbar region of its unlucky owner as to be neigh unbelievable. It was as if someone had given this guy an uber wedgie once when he was five and he still hasn’t recovered from it. As I sat slowly sucking up triple-thick strawberry goo through a straw which threatened to buckle at any second under the sheer vacumme pressure, i stared in bug eyed wonder at the very immensity and scope of the crack before me. it was like some deep dark hairy nether region from where light never escaped and small birds flew into by accident and got lost. I just wanted to share this all with you. This picture (needless to say, taken on the sly) simply does not do it justice. I have never in my life seen such a magnificent, yet horrifying specimen such as this, and i pray i never will.
I told Anna about it later on in my physics lab. Snatching up a nearby implement which we presumed to be a telescope (neither of us having read the optics chapters) she peered off into the distance:
and then, without warning…. anna sees the crack….
Yes anna. Behold and be amazed. And frightened. And glad thee does not posses such a crack, a crack so mighty as to give pause to the bravest of men and cause women to clutch their children to their busoms in fear.
(Actually, anna has just caught a very magnified view of some guy adjusting his package, expanded for all to see thanks to the wonders of physics. far more instructional than the actual lab before us…)
speaking of the wonders of science, today i nicked a random energy drink from some campus festival or other. It tasted like ass, and furthermore, it was an ungodly shade of blue. A disturbing blueberry pepsi-cum-antifreeze that was just really really unnatural. This picture doesn’t do it justice as i think the cyan receptor in my camera CCD freaked out at the sight of its radiant blueness:
A bizarre thing happened to me today. I finally decided that the time had come for me to quit my job at the USDA, for the sake of my sanity. So I marched into my bosses office, and mustering all the energy and straightforwardness I could, I declared: “I’m quitting.”
There was a moment of silence as my boss glanced up at me from her notebook, and then in a cheerful voice proclaimed….
“Okay. Here’s an easter present for you!!”
I blinked several times to clear the confusion from my brain. Timidly, I repeated myself “ummm… and by ‘quitting’ I mean, I’m not coming in again. Ever.”
To which she replied:
“Oh yes, that’s no problem… but look!!! I even put in an easter bunny for you…!!!” as she began to dig into the brightly festooned Lisa Frank bag.
Well, if she put in an easter bunny, who am I to refuse…? I take the pro-offered easter present in trembling hands, eyes darting nervously around the room, surveying, drinking in the scene, as she nonchalantly turned her attentions back towards her desk.
Where was the catharsis I so desperately sought? The screaming, the yelling, the “what do you mean you’re quitting!?”… the outrage at not being given a two weeks notice, the sense of despair that comes when losing a valued employee…?
And then it strikes me. I’m not a valued employee. I’m barely even an employee. Despite my numerous credentials, multiple college degrees, and years of experience, i’m just another pair of forage-sorting, data-collecting, manure-grinding hands, a nameless, faceless, automaton of a cog in the gigantic wheel of governmental research. Never to be credited on papers, never to be listed as contributing author, never to acknowledged except to be yelled at – doomed to labor silently behind the scenes, grinding out the day-to-day drudgery and mind numbing mediocrity that is the reality of science. And suddenly for a moment, there is a gap into light, and i see my future stretching out before me, bleak and barren, blinding like an overexposed photograph; a lifetime of hope-quelching mundaness and unsatisfying mediocrity, an existence ecked out hunched over random inconsequential data tables, measured out in countless pipettings from one sample to the next, visions of pointless journal articles piled up on the floor of an office stuffed somewhere in a dark windowless corner of a third bit university in the ass end of god-knows-where, the entirety of childhood dreams summated into one big, fat, mediocre exercise in insignificance, a foot note on page 1340 of an obscure journal nobody will ever read. The promise of youth wasted, pissed away in the great hoax that is science.
I take my fucking bunny and run.
2:15 am

One Reaction

  1. FunnyDevil

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