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So you’re a real big blogger huh? Is that wierd or anything?? Do you like it?? I don’t think I could dump a whole bunch of stuff out there like that…. Like when you were talking about your fears about going to Japan and the lenght of your relationship with …. I would have never put that up, especially since … probably read it and had her own thoughts and stuff. Do your parents read the site? ah… the life of a blogger… open to the whole world…
A good friend of mine once wrote the above paragraph to me.
I don’t know that I would consider myself a “real blogger” (nor that I would care for such a dubious distinction). For one, there’s a hell of a lot of better blogs out there than mine (refer to any of the assorted links scattered throughout the page for proof of that). For another, “profound” posts are few and far in between here on the old’ pandablog – initially I thought that this would be a great outlet for all that supposed “creative energy” I had “pent up” inside of me – instead I quickly came to realize that:
a) my “profound thoughts” make other people fall asleep in boredom, much like when you read any 12 year old camgirl’s blog (young twenty-something angst is sooo 1992 Winona Ryder)
b) I can’t be arsed to spell check
and….
c) I’m lazy as sin.
So instead the pandablog, despite my occasional inspired thoughts to the contrary (furtive plans hammered out on coasters after a good round of beverages at the local tavern), has for the most part, settled into a sort of superficial window providing but a tiny glimpse at the soul of panda.
I replied to my friend that I “blog not for other people, but for myself – so I can remember the things that happen to me, sort of like a diary, only that since I know that other people will read it, I actually take the time to write something. The blog format is for motivation, only”. Whether that is true or not, I don’t know. I think the answer is more complex than that – I blog in part for my friends back home, in part for myself, in part to relieve the stress of work/everyday life, in part to shock and terrify my grandparents, and so on. But what I do not blog for is to reveal my real, and actual thoughts to the whole world.
The pandablog is mainly for humor, occasionally for blow-by-blow accounts of interesting things that happen to me in everyday life. Sometimes it’s purely a superficial dump of information (ooh, look at these pretty pictures of a famous japanese garden) and sometimes it’s interspersed with my feelings, reactions or purportedly wry observations of life and the world around me. The latter, while not quite tatemae (superficial “external” face) is certainly not honne (true “inner” thoughts).
The events blogged here are but a tiny little glimpse at the adventures of one lonely panda bumbling his way through life – but my real inner thoughts – the bad angst-ridden poetry, the actual accounts of falling in love or having my heart broken, the things I desperately regret, but cannot change, the acts of cruelty or compassion that radically alter my course in life, dejection in the face of the unattainable, the actual, visceral fear I feel as I wander through life, ever conscious of my youth slipping away, stupid, but important concerns, like going bald or having crooked teeth (neither of which is true, btw), or anything at all about the truly important and precious relationships and people in my life – all of these things never make it to the pandablog.
Beneath the surface, behind all the random pictures and idiotic subcaptions, lies a real, living, breathing human being with the full complement of emotions, fears and experiences as the person reading my thoughts. Perhaps if this blog was completely and totally anonymous – perhaps if it wasn’t read by people I know, by people I care about / dislike / have to maintain relationships with of one nature or another, perhaps if I could open myself up without fear of repercussion in the “real” world in which I must exist – then maybe I could bring myself to include some of the things above.
I am an extremely private person by nature – I love to entertain, to make people laugh and smile, to see how clever I can be – but what I cannot do is bring myself to open up to others, to allow the truest thoughts and feelings I have – those very things that comprise the paradigm by which I see reality – to be openly criticized by the harshness of the masses.
Maybe it’s because I fear that someday someone might tell me just how very very lame and worthless all that I hold precious really is. I am strong in many ways, but against such cruelty I am defenseless. And so i will not ever take that chance.
So you see, Wantin, that is the way it is. I hope this helps you understand what happened a little bit better.
Now listening to “Four Strings – Take me away”
6:28 am

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